We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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