Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
