Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
