textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
