weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
