cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I need a beard to bite.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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