Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
