Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
