she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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