So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
