My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
