I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
