proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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