This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
