i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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