My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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