I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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