I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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