non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
