A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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