i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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