true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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