I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
