Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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