ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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