I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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