please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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