How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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