just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
