All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
