i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
