Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
