meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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