i just sent this text using only my big toe
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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