This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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