I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
