I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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