Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
