two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
