I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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