Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
