I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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