He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
