Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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