he wants to bone in the snuggie
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
