Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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