I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
