whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
