Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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