no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
