She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
