you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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