I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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