Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
