forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
