it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
