I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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