ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
