She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
